Self-compassion might feel unfamiliar to many of us, but you’re not alone in that feeling. We’re often more used to self-criticism and judgment, especially when things go wrong or we face tough times. It’s common to think that being kind to ourselves during a difficult moment is like giving ourselves a free pass, which is why self-compassion can sometimes be mistaken for self-pity.
In this blog, we’ll explore self-compassion as a powerful tool for healing. While suffering is a natural part of being human, it’s not the pain itself that makes life harder, but how we respond to it with judgment, self-blame, and shame. Together, we’ll dive into what self-compassion really means, how it can ease suffering, and how to start practicing it to improve both your well-being and your relationship with yourself.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is the practice of being intentionally kind to ourselves by offering grace, understanding, and warmth while freeing ourselves from judgment, shame and/or self-criticism for our shortcomings. Self-compassion sounds like, “I made a mistake and I can take this human experience and grow from it” or, “I am experiencing a painful moment and I honor my emotions.” Rather than denying our truth and/or suffering, we embrace it with kindness and compassion.
Why is it important?
Self-compassion allows for an opportunity to be honest and free from judgment. It invites a sense of safety that criticism diminishes. Think about how it feels when someone accuses you of something or criticizes you. It is a natural human reaction to respond defensively. When we respond in a defensive nature, we are typically triggered. Once we are triggered, we are no longer present therefore the intention behind the conversation becomes about defending ourselves. In this defensive mode, we can’t fully understand or the openness to learn because we feel unsafe. When we feel unsafe or threatened some of the common responses may look like arguing or yelling, shutting down, using harmful language or aggression, dismissing others points of views or opinions, and/or avoiding the conflict entirely. When these responses become part of the way we communicate, not only does it damage our interpersonal relationships, but most importantly it damages our relationship with ourselves. Self-compassion offers safety to explore uncomfortable truths about ourselves in a kind and understanding way. The lens of self-compassion understands that we are all imperfect and challenges the limited narratives about our character that shame tells. Tolerating pain and distress with self-compassion are less self-destructive and more conducive towards healing.
Self-compassion and Suffering
Suffering is a universal experience that we all share and can be defined as undergoing pain, hardship or distress. While the degree of suffering varies amongst individuals it is inevitable. Dr.Gabor Mate indicates that all human behavior is an attempt to soothe suffering. This includes less socially acceptable behaviors such as the overuse of drugs and alcohol, for example. The theory suggests that we are so desperate to escape the internal suffering and pain we experience that we will go to extreme lengths if necessary to soothe our suffering. However, it is not the suffering that is intolerable, it is the denial of our suffering. The denial derives from a deep sense of shame for our shortcomings, pain, and/or mistakes we have made. Shame diminishes our self-worth to the point where we lose all compassion or empathy for ourselves. We become so critical that it impacts the way we care for ourselves. Self-compassion connects us back to ourselves and allows us to relieve our suffering. Research shows that it is a tool that builds resiliency and it is one of the phases of recovery that is used to heal from trauma.
Self-Compassion and Healing
To clarify, healing does not mean freedom from all suffering or pain. Rather, healing can be looked at as a journey towards enhancing your quality of life, defining your purpose, and having a strong sense of self. World renown psychologist and pioneer in self-compassion studies Dr.Kristin Neff, indicates that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available. In her 20 plus years of research she has found that self-compassionate individuals are less likely to:
- Ruminate on negative thoughts and emotions or become emotionally disregulated
- Develop anxiety or depressive disorders or engage in suicidal ideation
- Get overwhelmed by stress or develop PTSD
- Abuse drugs and alcohol as a way to escape emotional pain
- Feel lonely and isolated
And are more likely to:
- Show grit, motivation, and determination to meet important goals
- Focus on learning and personal growth
- Cope with work challenges and feel more competent and effective at their jobs
- Maintain healthy work-life balance
- Draw healthy boundaries and say no
Self Compassion Practices
The act of being kinder to yourself is a great start towards practicing self compassion. If this feels extremely challenging it is an indicator of conditioning that may require professional support from a therapist. With the help of a therapist, it is possible to unlearn patterns that contribute to suffering and learn new ways to communicate and connect with yourself. Here are some tools that you can implement today.
Physical
Physical touch can provide you with an immediate sense of safety if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed. Touching our skin releases oxytocin and soothes distressing emotions. You can try gently stroking your arm, placing both your hands over your heart, or even giving yourself a gentle hug.
Emotional
Honor your emotions. Oftentimes we shame ourselves for experiencing painful emotions to begin with. We think we should be “stronger” or unbothered by certain experiences. Instead of suppressing the emotion, identify it, be curious about it, and then release it.
Mental
Recognize the internal dialogue and critical self-talk you are participating in. This may take effort and intention to notice as for many of us critical talk is so common. Pay attention to the tone of your inner voice, the words that are said, and practice reframing the thoughts in a more constructive way.
Incorporating self-compassion into your life may take time and practice, but the benefits it offers—greater resilience, emotional balance, and improved relationships—are well worth the effort. By learning to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a loved one, you create a foundation for true healing and personal growth.
If practicing self-compassion feels difficult or overwhelming, professional guidance can make a big difference. At Awakened Path Counseling, we’re here to support you on your journey to healing and self-discovery. Reach out today to schedule a session and start building a healthier, more compassionate relationship with yourself.
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